thoughts before malaria

it is almost here.
first of all, i am going to be reading a few books on the plane that will immediately establish myself as a weirdo. namely, a book called, "rape: weapon of terror." its not that the title is too terrible...its the picture that accompanies it. there are two outstretched hands, photoshopped to the point where they look fake, palms facing you, in a futile attempt to stop you from getting closer. and, above the word 'rape' (written akin to that old font type on microsoft word, you know, the one where you used it to print fake ransom notes or halloween bake sale signs), are two eyes - eyes of a terrified woman. i dont know who the designer of the cover was, but i love how it evokes disgust and intrigue almost simultaneously...as if to say, "what kind of demented person are you for reading this, and please tell me there is something about the rape of nanking in there!"

ive been thinking about what i will feel when i meet the other interns. not about if i will get along with them, or if they hopefully will be down with learning how to make mango jelly with me, but whether or not i can get in their heads. i like to do that with new people. but these people will be foreign. that is, not from america. also, they will be really excited about being there. i keep wondering if i can succeed in cracking open their personas, while keeping mine shut tight. i understand the selfishness of this. that does not mean i do not continue to think about it.

the other thing im concerned about is what gifts i should bring back. i started to write down a list of all the things my friends would want. gabe wants a rock. preferably from inside the rainforest. easy enough. some other people want cheap imitation soccer jerseys. other people are more vague about their desires, and will say things like "just get me something metal," or "something from there." maybe if im lucky i can find a kissing bug and bring back chagas disease to those people. or maybe ill just get them a magnet. are magnets made anywhere other than china? doubt it.

malaria im actually not concerned about. the thing i am concerned about is trying. that, and armed muggings. or rape. its not that im overly paranoid, although i did catch myself panicking last evening when driving along a stretch of desert where my car might have been the tallest thing around and there was lightening everywhere (i didnt feel better until i saw a particularly long-lasting lightening bolt that turned pink, meaning that something/someone else got hit, and therefore my odds of being electrocuted were smaller). but i have been thinking a lot about dying. well, not dying, but being killed. i know, im not making this sound any better. ive been thinking a lot about some man, of mayan descent in my head , patiently getting on a bus without open windows, and almost politely showing me his gun and making me give him my money. and then, i picture my funeral. or i guess, i picture gabe moving out of our house. and i picture mittens turning into a pot smoking rebellious adolescent, claiming that she didnt even remember her own mother so that means she shouldnt have to go to college. i mean, shes only 1 and a half! think of the memories we still have coming! but really, i know ill be fine. i just have to go. i have to do my thing. and god almighty, i better be able to learn how to make mango jelly.